When you start a relationship with someone and they have an existing routine of going out with their friends for drinks, do you have the right to tell them you don’t like when they drink without you?
When we feel uneasy about our partners going out with their friends, it has less to do with what our partners are doing and more to do with how they make us feel when they are out.
If we feel special, cherished and emotionally safe in a relationship, we likely won’t mind what our partners are doing when they aren’t with us. When there’s open communication and we share our feelings and insecurities with our partners and they are responsive, we will no longer be triggered. We will instead feel quite secure about our relationship. So we need to take the risk, open our hearts and be authentic. We need to take responsibility for our fears, since most of our fears are irrational anyway.
The Gendered Gap
Here’s my advice to you all: Share with your partners that it is not what they do but how they make you feel when they are doing it, that worries you. You may want to share with your mates that it would make a difference for you if they helped you get over your insecurities by sharing more with you. Communication will help you feel emotionally safe, this includes asking your partners to include you in their plans or at least keep you in the loop about what they are up to.
To the men: It is the responsibility of both individuals to build emotional trust, but I want men to understand that if they want to go out with their buddies every weekend, it’s really important to have your partners feel cherished and part of your life. If she feels emotionally secure, she won’t be triggered or upset when you get home. So let her know about your plans, text her while you are out, even send her a photo, share about your night when you get home. Have her feel that you care and she is important to you. That’s the secret guys.
To the women: If you’re losing your mind when your boyfriends or husbands aren’t home then it’s up to you to share what you need from them, to calm yourselves down. Rely on your girlfriends and use your self-soothing techniques such as journaling, hot baths, etc. When you’re emotionally bankrupt, you’re going to take it out on him. You need to love yourself so that when he comes home you aren’t putting pressure on him to fulfill you completely. The more you love yourself the less pressure you put on him to love you.